Dad jokes

[PaulC]

Dad jokes

Q: Why was the picture sent to jail?
A: It was framed
Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck.
Q: What did the tired toilet say to the plunger?
A: flushed.
Q: Why was the sand wet?
A: Because the seaweed.
Why did the baked beans move to queensland?
because they want to live in Cains (cans)

what are your favorite dad jokes?

 

[Glenn]

Where do Squirrels go during Hurricanes?
It depends on which direction the wind is blowing.

I have a perfect memory.
I honestly can't remember a single time I've ever forgotten anything.

What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but people in Abu-Dhabi-do!

I slept so badly last night I started reading the dictionary
By 4am I was past caring...


I swallowed a bunch of scrabble pieces today.
My next shit could spell disaster.

A year ago, I got a subscription to a magazine for mentally ill people.
Now I have many issues.

I told my wife that I'm going to arrange all the herbs in alphabetical order from now on.
She said, "Where would you find the time?"
I said, "Easy. Right next to the sage."

People have called me a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.

What do you call a magician who has lost their magic?
Ian

When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, "Ha! That's not going to help!"
"Sure, it does." I said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."


Keep safe during this pandemic and use an old padded bra to make yourself a comfortable mask. Just make sure you use the left cup...
Because if you use the right one you will look like a right tit.

I found a pen that writes underwater
It writes other words too

How do you make a waterbed more bouncy?
Add Spring Water!

My wife and I are considering adoption.
We just need to figure out where to sign our kids up.

People who sell meat are disgusting, but someone who sells fruits and vegetables is grocer.


My neighbors listen to awesome music
Whether they like it or not

I was going to join the debating team
Until I was talked out of it

My friend told me to stop acting like a flamingo
So I had to put my foot down


What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.

What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language

I have a brain like a computer.
It was made in the early 80's and is now obsolete.

I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if i didnt stop singing 'Im a believer'...
Then i saw her face.

Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.

I've ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know

3 unwritten rules of life...
1.
2.
3.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. If the cow has no legs, then it's ground beef.

I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I ever saw!

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!"

 

[The Freezer]

• "My buddy drives trucks during the day and leads an orchestra at night. He's a semiconductor."
• "Why did the donut go to the dentist? To get a filling."
• "I accidentally went to Star Trek convention dressed as Chewbacca... It was a Wookie mistake."
• "I heard on the news that there is a guy stealing tires from police cars. The cops are working tirelessly to catch the suspect."

 

[The Freezer]

• "It doesn't matter how much you push the envelope. It'll still be stationary."
• "What did the Confederate soldiers use to eat off of? Civil ware."
• "What did the Confederate soldiers use to drink with? Dixie Cups."
• "I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra. It was a booby-trap."
• "A book just fell on my head, I only have my shelf to blame."
• "What is the leading cause of divorce in long-term marriages? A stalemate."
• "What did the mermaid wear to her math class? An algae bra."
• "Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis."
• "A moon rock tastes better than an earthly rock because it's meteor."
• "A backwards poet writes inverse."
• "I used to be addicted to soap. But I'm clean now."
• "3.14% of sailors are Pi Rates."
• "People are making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow."
• "I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. Then it dawned on me."
• "I tried to catch some fog earlier. I mist."
• "You wanna hear a joke about pizza? Never mind, it was too cheesy."
• "What did the green grape say to the purple grape? Breathe, you idiot!"
• "Why did the scarecrow get an award? He was outstanding in his field."
• "You know what's not right? Left."
• "What does a pirate say while eating sushi? Ahoy! Pass me some soy!"
• "If a dish towel could tell a joke, I think it would have a dry sense of humor"
• "Why can't a nose be 12 inches? Because then it would be a foot."
• "A boiled egg in the morning is really hard to beat."
• "I'm reading a book on anti-gravity, and it's impossible to put down."
• "I'm glad I know sign language. It's become quite handy."
• "I forgot how to throw a boomerang. But it came back to me."
• "When a clock is hungry... It goes back four seconds."
• "I once heard a joke about amnesia... But I forget how it goes."
• "When the power went out at the school... The children... were de-lighted."
• "Those fish were shy. They were obviously coy."
• "I didn't have the faintest idea... as to why I passed out."
• "There was once a crossed-eyed teacher... who had issues controlling his pupils."
• "Diarrhea is hereditary... It runs in your genes."
• "I heard two peanuts walk into a park... One was as salted."
• "What is a pirate's favorite letter? ’Tis the C."
• "Those two men drinking battery acid will soon be charged."
• "The midget psychic escaped prison. He was a small medium at large."
• "I'm inclined...to be laid back."
• "Newspaper headline reads: Cartoonist found dead at home, details are sketchy."
• "The frustrated magician pulled his hare out."
• "A criminal`s best asset... is his lie-ability."
• "I heard about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda. He is lucky it was a soft drink."
• "It's not that the guy didn't know how to juggle... he just didn't have the balls to do it."
• "What did the triangle say to the circle? You're so pointless."

 

[The Freezer]

Cannibal ones...

• "The frustrated cannibal threw up his hands."
• "What did the cannibal get when he showed up to the party late? A cold shoulder."
• "Cannibals would kill for something to eat."
• "Two cannibals are sitting around a campfire. One says to the other, "I hate my mother-in-law." The other says, "Then just eat the vegetables."
• "Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
• "Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One says to the other, "I think we're doing this joke wrong."
• "What do cannibals do at a wedding? They toast the bride and groom."
• "Every fight is a food fight when you're a cannibal."
• "Why don't cannibals eat vegetables? They're too hard to get out of the wheel chairs."
• "Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the woods?"
• "What's a cannibal with 4 kids? A caterer."
• "Why do cannibals like hand models? They are finger licking good."
• "What does a cannibal call an overweight Irishman? Big Mac."
• "What does a cannibal call a stoner? Pot Roast."
• "What does a cannibal call a date? Take out."
• "When the date finds out they're meeting a cannibal? Take out, to go."
• "What does a cannibal call a sitcom star? TV dinner."
• "What does a dieting cannibal order at McDonalds? A kids meal."
• "What did the cannibal say when the cops showed up to arrest him? "Have some heart."